Entry 37
Love is fickle.
Confusing.
Difficult.
Painful.
Unfair.
Complicated.
Harsh.
And many other things...I assure you.
However, in the rescent past I have been thinking about love and about what it means. In the past I have dated many girls, and I have cared for most of them, and I remember them all well. It's sort of funny how those memories stay with you, and how they never really age no matter how many years have passed.
When you love something you know them so well that everything about them is perfect. You laugh with them at their mistakes, shair their triumphs, and accept unconditionally any faults that they have. In your mind they have no faults and your perfect image of them, in body, in mind, and in spirit is eternal and can never be changed.
I don't honestly remember a time when I felt this way about anyone. I have cared deeply for many women before this, I have cared for some because of their body, and others for their common intrests with me, and some simply because they were people I wanted to get to know better. However this time is different and I can't explain why.
The last time I felt this way was 400 years ago with a young girl named Maria. She was beautiful, and about 6 years old with messy blonde hair and a wide smile with spaced teeth. She had dirt smudged along one cheek and icecream dripping down her face. Back then I had taken on a huge job and was working for the Blade brothers as I am now.
I spoke to the girl as she sat on her front porch eating ice cream, and asked her what her name was. When she told me I couldn't help but laugh, it sounded like the work of an angel. She was such a pretty child and innocent too. As I nelt beside her before her front steps she told me her name and I swear at that moment my heart tore in two.
The man that I had been assigned to kill was her father. I couldn't believe it and I became overcome with emotion as I asked her what her father was like. She told me that he was wonderful, she told me about how he would swing her in his arms, and about how he would carry her home some days, and about how hard he worked for their family.
As I cried sitting on the step next to this poor sweet innocent child she looked at me and asked me why I was upset. I told her that her father seemed very nice and she stood up, and told me that she had an idea. I nodded and listened as I watched her get up and walk inside, then come back out holding a snow cone ice cream. I laughed as she handed it to me, but I still felt terrible.
And I swear to this day that she knew how I felt because as I sat there she told me that it was alright. If I didn't have a father then I could shair hers. And I knew I couldn't do it.
How could I take from her someone that she loved so deeply? She was such a sweet child, such a caring person, so loving, and so excepting, it was almost unconditional. All I could do was nod and sit there sharing a moment, and knowing what had to be done...and if I didn't do it then someone else would. What else was there?
If there was a time that I considered quiting my job, and losing my career then this was it. All I wanted was to hold the little girl and never let go, because she, out of ignorance, and innocence, had been so very kind to me. She hadn't run from my outfit, she had accepted me as I was and that was not an easy feat.
I feel like that was my first real experiance with love and I feel as though that is almost a soft point in who I am. Children. I love children. I've had many jobs in my life and my favorite was teaching children which I must say is the most rewarding and the most depression job there is. Because of my age I would watch my students grow up and die, and I would have to move schools year after year never staying in one place.
As I did this many students I came to know very closely, but none as closely as the little girl on the step. In only a minute I had grown attatched to someone. Anyway...I couldn't kill her father. I just couldn't...this might have been the one mission that I failed as an assassin. I stopped and left not returning for ten years. During which time Drake had sent another assassin in my place to take the mans life.
When I returned the girl was 16, and of course, I hadn't aged a day. I did not speak to her. I did not dare. Instead I watched, and made a promise to myself. And every ten years until the young girl was 96 I searched her out and I found her and just for a day I watched and learned of her life. I saw her struggle through two marrages, and I watched as she faught to raise a child, then as her child left home and passed in the war.
It was when she was 96 years old, and growing blind that I knew I had to talk to her. I slipped into her house and as she slept I laid a hand upon her hand and waited, the next morning when she woke up I hugged her and smiled, and she asked me blinking slightly and trying to see, who I was. Instead of answering I handed her an icecream and sat there with her. No words passed between us but for one fleeting instant I thought of changing her. If I did she could become a vampire like me...and be with me forever...
But I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't even offer this girl the damnation that I was facing. Instead I spent one day with her, in silence, perhaps it was because she was unable to speak, or perhaps she had no desire to, but we spent the day together, and during that day she was just like I remembered her. Her hair was not white and her body not frail, she was as happy as when I had seen her at 6 years old. And seemingly, through all of her trials, just as innocent.
I left her that night with a kiss on the cheek, and once again returned in ten years. Maria had passed away. And I cried.
Now, I need to stop.
I told this story for a reason and I am more emotional then I have been in so long.
Because now that I have seen Kina with Carson I know...
I just know that I love them the same way that I loved her.
And I know that it's going to be hard watching him grow up.
But I'm going to be here with him, and with Kina.
And no matter what happens they will always be with me, just like Maria.
-James
Confusing.
Difficult.
Painful.
Unfair.
Complicated.
Harsh.
And many other things...I assure you.
However, in the rescent past I have been thinking about love and about what it means. In the past I have dated many girls, and I have cared for most of them, and I remember them all well. It's sort of funny how those memories stay with you, and how they never really age no matter how many years have passed.
When you love something you know them so well that everything about them is perfect. You laugh with them at their mistakes, shair their triumphs, and accept unconditionally any faults that they have. In your mind they have no faults and your perfect image of them, in body, in mind, and in spirit is eternal and can never be changed.
I don't honestly remember a time when I felt this way about anyone. I have cared deeply for many women before this, I have cared for some because of their body, and others for their common intrests with me, and some simply because they were people I wanted to get to know better. However this time is different and I can't explain why.
The last time I felt this way was 400 years ago with a young girl named Maria. She was beautiful, and about 6 years old with messy blonde hair and a wide smile with spaced teeth. She had dirt smudged along one cheek and icecream dripping down her face. Back then I had taken on a huge job and was working for the Blade brothers as I am now.
I spoke to the girl as she sat on her front porch eating ice cream, and asked her what her name was. When she told me I couldn't help but laugh, it sounded like the work of an angel. She was such a pretty child and innocent too. As I nelt beside her before her front steps she told me her name and I swear at that moment my heart tore in two.
The man that I had been assigned to kill was her father. I couldn't believe it and I became overcome with emotion as I asked her what her father was like. She told me that he was wonderful, she told me about how he would swing her in his arms, and about how he would carry her home some days, and about how hard he worked for their family.
As I cried sitting on the step next to this poor sweet innocent child she looked at me and asked me why I was upset. I told her that her father seemed very nice and she stood up, and told me that she had an idea. I nodded and listened as I watched her get up and walk inside, then come back out holding a snow cone ice cream. I laughed as she handed it to me, but I still felt terrible.
And I swear to this day that she knew how I felt because as I sat there she told me that it was alright. If I didn't have a father then I could shair hers. And I knew I couldn't do it.
How could I take from her someone that she loved so deeply? She was such a sweet child, such a caring person, so loving, and so excepting, it was almost unconditional. All I could do was nod and sit there sharing a moment, and knowing what had to be done...and if I didn't do it then someone else would. What else was there?
If there was a time that I considered quiting my job, and losing my career then this was it. All I wanted was to hold the little girl and never let go, because she, out of ignorance, and innocence, had been so very kind to me. She hadn't run from my outfit, she had accepted me as I was and that was not an easy feat.
I feel like that was my first real experiance with love and I feel as though that is almost a soft point in who I am. Children. I love children. I've had many jobs in my life and my favorite was teaching children which I must say is the most rewarding and the most depression job there is. Because of my age I would watch my students grow up and die, and I would have to move schools year after year never staying in one place.
As I did this many students I came to know very closely, but none as closely as the little girl on the step. In only a minute I had grown attatched to someone. Anyway...I couldn't kill her father. I just couldn't...this might have been the one mission that I failed as an assassin. I stopped and left not returning for ten years. During which time Drake had sent another assassin in my place to take the mans life.
When I returned the girl was 16, and of course, I hadn't aged a day. I did not speak to her. I did not dare. Instead I watched, and made a promise to myself. And every ten years until the young girl was 96 I searched her out and I found her and just for a day I watched and learned of her life. I saw her struggle through two marrages, and I watched as she faught to raise a child, then as her child left home and passed in the war.
It was when she was 96 years old, and growing blind that I knew I had to talk to her. I slipped into her house and as she slept I laid a hand upon her hand and waited, the next morning when she woke up I hugged her and smiled, and she asked me blinking slightly and trying to see, who I was. Instead of answering I handed her an icecream and sat there with her. No words passed between us but for one fleeting instant I thought of changing her. If I did she could become a vampire like me...and be with me forever...
But I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't even offer this girl the damnation that I was facing. Instead I spent one day with her, in silence, perhaps it was because she was unable to speak, or perhaps she had no desire to, but we spent the day together, and during that day she was just like I remembered her. Her hair was not white and her body not frail, she was as happy as when I had seen her at 6 years old. And seemingly, through all of her trials, just as innocent.
I left her that night with a kiss on the cheek, and once again returned in ten years. Maria had passed away. And I cried.
Now, I need to stop.
I told this story for a reason and I am more emotional then I have been in so long.
Because now that I have seen Kina with Carson I know...
I just know that I love them the same way that I loved her.
And I know that it's going to be hard watching him grow up.
But I'm going to be here with him, and with Kina.
And no matter what happens they will always be with me, just like Maria.
-James
posted by ledellman at 1:02 PM
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